Thursday, August 31, 2006

Lettuce It Only (AKA “Schmeat It”) (Michael Jackson)

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I can’t find this anymore because it was on a two-year old message board and predates Google Desktop, but a couple years ago I was reading a bunch of posts by Dino Stamatopoulos talking about working on The Dana Carvey Show; people were asking him about working with Charlie Kaufman, and he said:

Charlie’s a great sketch writer, unfortunately, very few of his sketches got on Carvey. The show was misrepresented to the writers and ended up being more of a primetime SNL, with long character pieces, rather than conceptual sketches.

Charlie had a great idea that would have been perfect for Dana though. It was Weird Al Yankovich’s brother, Weirder Al Yankovich. He would take Weird’s parody of “Beat It”: “Eat it” and make it even crazier: “Schmeat It.” Then, another brother would be introduced in the scene, Normal Al Yankovich. He would take “Eat It” and turn it back into “Beat It.”

[Sic] on the punctuation, and on the “Yankovich”; nerdchildren know there’s no ‘h’ at the end, and if you are reading this, you are likely ein Kindersonderling. Since the sketch never aired, we can only assume that “Weirder Al” Yankovic’s opus might go something like this (note the obsession with food seems to be a genetic trait); here is “Beat It” from the Dutch.

(I was going to do Greek for Dino, but the Greek/English translator was down. Sorry: memories aren’t made of this. I said that because your name is Dino. OK.)

N.B. The original board is long gone, but the above excerpt is from here, and Ed Page on the not-recently-updated-but-always-interesting Danger Blog has another excerpt here, for further reading.

-- Samantha

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They did not tell him. You ever come around?
Here does not want your face, see? Disappears you better.
The fire in their eyes and their words are really clearly
this way. Lettuce, lettuce. Only you run better.

Do you improve what you do, not want? No, blood can see.
Are no macho people you tough?
Do better. What you, it is possible this way to beat.
But you, wants bad, is lettuce: it only.

Beat it, beat it, beat it.
Nobody wants, becomes, reports.
Showing how funky and strongly your fight is: important.
It are -- which are not found oneself or correctly it -- only,
Beat, beating it only, beating,

Beating, they must; from you, better leave.
Whereas you want to be, no boy can want you.
Get people! Be you living! Want remains!
Do better! What? You can beat it this way?
Only beating.

You must them show that you really do not do.
To be scared, you play with your life. This is no truth or dare.
They kick, you are, then they you to beat,
Then they, you honest are beat this way will tell,
But bad are lettuce. It wants you only.

Beat it, beat it. It beat nobody.
“Wants” become “reports”
Showing how funky are important. And strongly your fight? It is.
Which not found oneself or, correctly, “nobody wants to become reports”.
Showing how funky are important. And strongly your fight? It is.
Who, not found oneself, or correct is lettuce.

It only beats it, beats it, beats it.
Nobody wants become reports showing how funky are important and strongly your fight it is who not found oneself is or correctly it only, beat beating it, beating it, beat lettuce lettuce it, lettuce it, lettuce it, lettuce it nobody wants become reports showing how funky and strongly your fight is important

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So, um, it goes on like this for another nine stanzas or so, so let’s just cut it short here, except to say: Help me, Normal Al Yankovic. You’re my only hope.

-- Smnth

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